Quin's Journeys

Information Overload

2005-10-28T01:00:50Z

I have to watch myself when I go look at a WikiPedia article. Most of the time I go look at an article, then the active barrage of clickable hyperlinks signifying more information about that particular subject get clicked until I have a insane number of articles open. Once I realise what I am doing I rarely close the articles I have open until I've read them, but I do try to refrain from opening more unless I really need to know what something means.

Did you know? It seems Gondwana was not the first supercontinent (and was not made up of all the existing continents either), but resulted from the split of another supercontinent Pangaea (the only other supercontinent at that time was Laurasia). So, many people (including myself until now), have incorrect beliefs about our Earth's geological/tectonic movements.

You learn something new every day. In today's case, I think I learnt a hundred new things. Damn you Wiki.

Pretty Colours!

2005-10-18T10:06:09Z

I saw this image among the LJ image crawlers, I thought it was rather interesting. I have no trouble at all saying it without saying the actual colour of the word. I guess I use the left side of my brain the most.

Excuse me, which side of the brain am I currently in?

Disappointment in the Ranks

2005-10-18T03:05:38Z

I've used (and recommended) WinAMP for a long, long, long, long, long.. *ahem* (you get the idea), time. Of late, my partner and I have become very disapplointed with the once-faithful media player.

Over the last two years or so, WinAMP has gone under heavy structural redesign (as you can see in the new v5 'Modern' interface) and alot of changes and additions under the hood. The bane of our existance here is the (long-awaited-by-us) Enqueue features of Jump to File Extra, which is bundled along with WinAMP these days.

In a nutshell, we use it to add files to a tiny playlist queue (or as I do sometimes, load a "Here's one I created earlier" one) and then set WinAMP on it's merry way while we groove and do other shit.

Now, the problem stems from all these so-called features that are getting added to WinAMP these days. Some of the bugs we've encountered (and don't seem to be getting fixed, with support requests on the forums being drowned out by sheer volume);

Keys not responding unless the playlist window is active, ZXCVB (Prev, Play, Pause, Stop, Next).
Jump To File skins when it isn't supposed to, and when you do turn it on, it skins thin air unless you open it from the active playlist window (and still leaving the dialog unchanged).
Auto Video Fullscreen and various other endorsed plugins DO NOT WORK CORRECTLY, attempting to fullscreen often results in it resizing the video window instead (and it's turned off) and the screen corrupting.
And other annoyances too numerous to mention...

Jump to File Extra Skins Thin Air

After 6 years of using this program, I'm at a point where I am so fed up that I'm looking at moving to another media player for our entertainment needs. Any suggestions are welcome, but bear in mind that I am looking for a FREEWARE program. If all else fails, I'm going to write my own.

That's my rant for today, anyway.

#1 Reason "I Hate Firefox"

2005-10-16T04:46:22Z

Using Flash in FireFox produces a runaway loop that won't go away (even after you close the offending page), and won't let you close the program without forcibly killing it.

I have a few other reasons, FF is just way too buggy for my liking. The only reason I use it is for CSS and tabbed browsing. I sure hope they fix web standards in IE soon, I hate having to install extra programs after reinstalling my operating system. *Figures there's no good browser out there at all*

Juped Development Network: Updates, News, and Information

2005-10-02T01:27:13Z

It's been a big few weeks in xrcd development, many things have been added, and we've all endured longstanding splits and downtime due to the instability. All this is in an effort to get xrcd's code 'up to scratch', as there have been many open issues for a long time now which needed addressing before xrcd could progress any further.

Server links should stabilise a bit more now, synchronisation routines have been evaluated, and a lot less killing should need to be done to correct mistakes. Parts of the protocol have been modified to minimize data transfers, for example; Servers will no longer reference each other by fully qualified host name, rather only their aliases will be transported around. This eliminated alot of redundancy in the protocol, and reduced data transfers considerably.

NOTE: Aliases also spill over into the user space, and in many commands, servers should be referenced by their alias from now on.

Alot of problems in the connection I/O has been addressed with the introduction of buffering, while this is only preliminary, and not a totally guaranteed fix, it has made connections more reliable. If you experience missing messages, or messages that seem out of order, print as much raw data between yourself and the server regarding the command you issued to generate the error, as well as some parts before and after to aid debugging, and send it to xrcd@juped-dev.org.

Code in xrcd has gone under heavy reconstruction to follow specific guidelines that were required to ensure the code was easily manageable, as well as run optimally. Hopefully this should make the xrcd experience not only faster, but more reliable in future. I'm also happy to announce that BSD support has been added and tested under FreeBSD, it might be nice to try some other UNIX flavours in future. Windows support is theoretically possible, but one of the new libraries xrcd depends on, mhash (a high end hashing algorithm library), requires a Windows dll to be built. Anyone with experience converting CygWin code to DevCPP, is willing to make a DevCPP *.devpak, or is able to compile both mhash and xrcd under cygwin is welcome to email me personally to discuss it further.

Anonymous access was briefly enabled to the SVN repositories here at chaoscontrol.mine.nu, but after re-evaluation this has been disabled. Security concerns have required me to segregate code between xrcd 'release' and xrcd 'devnet'. Releases will most likely be made available on Source forge in the future, once xrcd reaches beta. On the plus side of SVN, automatic updates appear to work under both Linux and BSD now.

In the last week, with the enabling of BSD support, we have introduced hostcore.us, kindly donated by stefan. It's actually become one of the more reliable xrcd servers. Perhaps because BSD is more resistant to coding errors. It has been added to the irc.* and us.* pools, so beware, Australian users should now use au.* to ensure an Australian connection. More servers are welcome in all regions.

Alot of the restructuring has also been involved in the connections, more logical handling of different protocols has been added. This was started by an interest in adding TetriNET support. Currently, xrcd supports connecting to the TetriNET port and logging in, but no game play or channels as yet. Currently this is only enabled on knuckles.au but if people are interested in checking it out I can enable it on the other servers.

Games like TetriNET are an invaluable community relaxation tool, not only in chat worlds, but in development worlds where you just want to chill out. xrcd's main aim is to be your all-in-one chat network tool, but it's able to provide so much more than what anyone originally thought, even myself. All in all, xrcd is still very unstable, but it's getting to a point where it may not be so much longer. I pray for that damn day, I've been going non-stop all week.

angeles @ 2005-09-20T01:49:00

2005-09-19T16:00:44Z

Saw a peacock in the yard this morning, no idea where it came from or where it went later, but it was an amazing site to see so early in the day.

I've been programming alot on XRCD and setting up The Juped Development Network with it. The going is hard as not many people are willing to donate their time to it. Maybe they jsut think it'll be another flop not worth wasting any effort on. They may be right, they will be right if I don't get any help though, my brain's starting to fizzle.

Programmatically, XRCD is still quite a nightmare. Every single line of code in it I've had to research and craft myself. There's still so much to be fixed and more yet to be implemented to make it a fully viable IRCd alternative. It's been a dream of mine for 6 years, since I started tinkering on IRCd while teaching myself how to program. I'm fairly competant now, but alot of the more technical stuff can be very cumbersome for me. I spread myself very thin, getting bits of knowledge about everything (everything about everything won't fit in there goddamit).

The Juped Development Network seems to be moving at a snails pace of interest, I probably should've invested it all the first try (xrcd.info), but XRCD wasn't mature enough, I was more trying to get testers and suggestions then. Geez, this was a year ago when I first started it.

I feel if I hadn't given up weed for a while I would've gotten further on XRCD than I am at the moment. Server linking is still very questionable, as are the databases. Alot of decisions I've made have worked out in my best interest, code-wise, it's the stuff I hadn't planned on that creates the most difficulty.

Need a website for the root of juped-dev.org, talked it over with Sam last night and I wanna look for a CMS (Content Management System for the tech-hype impaired), any suggestions from LJ-land would be appreciated.

As far as non-negative entries go, thats the best I can come up with. I've avoided talking about anything bad going on at the moment. I really suck, don't I? Heh.

Game Review - Super Mario 64 DS

2005-04-03T00:10:55Z

My first review was a hit, and I was invited to due a regular spot for Gamer's Radio. So from now on I'll be trying to do a weekly Nintendo review for them, so here's the next review in this series.

G'day folks, angeles here, "Down Under" with more Nintendo for you.

This week, I'll be looking at Super Mario 64 DS for the Nintendo DS. The sleek new Nintendo handheld caught my eye months before it was even out, the revolutionary design was a clencher in me buying this soon after it's release. I purchased this Mario remake along with the system, and I sure don't regret it.

You may wonder what the point is in getting a game that's ported from the Nintendo 64, but let me tell you, this is NOT a direct port. Gameplay has been altered dramatically, level design and artwork has been improved, tweaked, and even fixed in some cases. The game isn't just about Mario anymore either; Luigi, Wario, and Yoshi all make an appearance in this game as playable characters. In fact, you start the game as Yoshi, who's told that the others have been lost inside the paintings, and you must go out to rescue them. Already, you see the story twisted for some added freshness.

Unfortunately, the DS is not equipped with an analogue input. The touch screen tries to make up for this, that is, if you can get used to it. I tend to prefer the directional pad, but you may need the touch screen for finer control, like sneaking up on Pirahna Plants. The camera is controlled with areas on the bottom corners of the touch screen, however, it's alot easier to use your thumbs to control this, and you probably will, as it still needs quite lot of manual adjustment. Using your fingers can leave smudges on the screen, but as with most Nintendo products, it's pretty durable. Let me note the durability of this system too. The other day, mine copped a glass full of soft drink. As you can imagine, I was extremely upset when this happened to my brand new system. Amazingly, after being cleaned off and left to dry, it's back to its former glory with absolutely no adverse effects. The reliability of Nintendo systems is the major reason I keep buying them.

Graphically, there's good and bad things. The DS doesn't seem to do any filtering of the textures, which makes some look fairly pixelated, but on the limited real estate of a single DS screen, you'll hardly notice it. One thing I found useful is that if a tree obstructs Lakitu's view (who, of course, is our cameraman documenting the adventures of our heroes), they will fade in and out depending on how close they are. This makes it easier to run around without having to fix the camera even more. From the beginning, if you compare it with the original title, you will notice the colours are no longer as harsh, more placid hues have been used to give it a more realistic feel, especially the grass and trees.

Having stereo speakers in "virtual surround" have made the sound of this system awesome. You will feel immersed in the environment, and even be able to tell the direction in which enemies approach you, which is a plus in any 3D adventure. The music is basically the same, but I've often caught myself humming those familiar tunes long after I've put the DS down. You can tell Nintendo put some thought into the sound system this time.

A big change in the game has been the addition of thirty extra stars, which now totals 150! I'm yet to find them all, despite the amount of time I've put into this game, and amazingly, this doesn't frustrate me, but spurs me to play more. As you wander about, you'll notice subtle differences in the design and objectives of some levels. Many have a star where you need to collect five silver stars bouncing about, which is also used for the multiplayer part of this game. Another common one is the "Switch Star", where you need to activate a switch, and quickly rush over to the star before the timer runs out, and it disappears. To top this all off, some smaller sub-levels have been added to lengthen the game.

Having the extra characters also changes the progression through levels. Each character has their own unique abilities. Yoshi can swallow stuff, and make an egg to shoot, along with his trademark hover move. Mario can bounce off walls to get some extra height. Luigi can hover as well, but with the added ability to spin through the air when you backflip. Wario seems the most limited of all in movement, but makes up for it with power. The three moustached guys are the only ones able to punch blocks, with Wario being able to break the tougher ones. While you can be a certain character, which is required to get to some areas of the castle, most of the time it is best to stay as Yoshi, as you can choose who you want to be at the beginning of each level. Some stars require you to have be certain character, while others you are free to use whomever you like.

The Powerup Caps have been replaced with "Power Flowers". Putting on a cap now changes you into it's respective character, while the flowers give each of them a special ability. Yoshi will start breathing fire, which lets you burn enemies and melt ice. Mario will turn into a balloon, which lets you float up to higher areas. Luigi will become invisible, which lets you go through enemies and cages. Lastly, Wario will become metal, which allows you to sink underwater, and even fight the forces of wind. Some of these are unique to this game, and add flavour to an already tasty mix.

Finally, as you progress through this game, you unlock mini-games in the Princess' game room. These are absolutely great to waste time with, and also serves as a good break from the 3D adventure. To unlock these games, you must find the rabbits running around the castle who have stolen the keys to them. Each character has their own set of mini-games, and respectively, each character must find the keys for their games in the adventure field.

Personally, I prefer this game to the others out in Australia at the moment, although there aren't very many of those to speak of yet. I'm glad Nintendo made this a release title as it quenches my thirst for DS gaming. Hopefully, Nintendo will pick up the pace in the game releases and we'll have many more games that are fun to play, and revolutionary.

This is angeles, signing off for Gamers Radio.

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Cheers!

Game Review - Sonic Heroes

2005-03-24T07:30:00Z

The following is apart of an audio piece I've done for Gamer's Radio, it will air in an episode in the near future. Episodes are available as a PodCast which you can subscribe to with your favourite client.

G'day folks, angeles here reporting from the sunny shores of Australia.

Now, I should start by saying that as an ex-Sega refugee, I have idolised the 'Blue Blur' known as "Sonic the Hedgehog" since I was little. I've turned to Nintendo to satisfy my hedgehog cravings, and this is hopefully the first of many Nintendo installments I'll do for Gamer's Radio. I've chosen to review "Sonic Heroes" for the Nintendo Gamecube, as I think it best represents what I'm all about. I know this game has been out for a fair while, but I hope you enjoy it just the same. None of this means I will go any easier on this game, and in alot of aspects, I was really disappointed with this latest installment, and you'll soon find out why.

Being a Gamecube game, you can expect that the graphics are visually stunning, and I think this is the strongest point of the game, although the title screen could have had more effort put into it. I'm used to seeing the characters on the screen wagging a finger at you, or something similar. When you leave the game running, you're presented with short clips of the characters to a groovy rock tune, which reminded me alot of the old Sonic CD, which is when Sonic's story first truly started to shine. Something else which gave me that classic feel was the level titles, which takes me back many years.

The music in the game can sometimes be a bit repetitive, unlike many of the previous games in this series. While it does fit the rock style we've come to expect, it isn't really as exciting or motivating. To me, this is where "Sonic Adventure" was stronger. Most of the sounds you hear you will recognise from the previous games, although I was let down by the fact the jumping sound was replaced by a 'wooshing' noise.

Gameplay wise, we have four different teams of three. This is something we've not seen before in Sonic games and it gives it a little extra edge. Back in the days of Sonic 3 and Knuckles on the Megadrive (the Genesis for you Americans), I always wished I could control Tails myself when he was buddied up with Sonic. This aspect where you can switch between characters in a tandem fashion really appealed to me. Each character brings their special abilities, seperated into three categories; Speed, Flight, and Power.

The teams we are presented with are: Team Sonic with Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles. Team Dark with Shadow, Rouge, and E-101. Team Rose with Amy, Cream, and Big. And lastly, Team Chaotix with Vector, Charmy, and Espio. Team Dark, to me, is a bit of an 'Odd Trio', and them teaming up is never properly explained. Team Rose sort of makes sense, but Big has never really been associated with the other characters. It was exciting to see Team Chaotix however, the members of which making a reappearance from back in the days of "Knuckles Chaotix" for the 32X.

Controlling this game can sometimes be a chore, and even downright frustrating at times. It ranges from unresponsive, to just plain crazy, where you end up falling off edges easily trying to attack the nearby enemies or bosses. Also, attempting to get a perfect in these huge levels are near impossible for younger gamers, as it is too easy to be hurt when you're trying to race through the level in record time. The checkpoints are a pain to get now, as they're alot smaller, and don't fit in with the fast paced action, so you end up missing alot of them. Another annoying factor are the various glitches, where mysteriously fall through the floor.

Now, the storyline this time, is more immersive and fluid than ever, which makes it the type of game where you connect with each of the characters. The bosses are amazing and unique, but another disappointing part for me is that it doesn't pick up from the story we've gotten used to in the "Sonic Adventure" series. I wasn't impressed when I tried each different storyline, as it's basically the same levels with different cut-scenes. This makes the game very repetitive, and even as a fan, I haven't bothered to complete them all.

While this game does provide a 2 player aspect, I felt this isn't as good as it could be. First of all, in the 'Action Races' the screen is split vertically, where I would've preferred a horizontal split. Secondly, the 'Battle Mode' is very basic, where you just have to push the other team off the edge, and in my opinion, the arena's are too small, a 'Sonic Battle' for the Gameboy Advance style would have been alot more preferable. Don't even think of trying to play these games by yourself, there's no option for a computer controlled opponent, which could've extended the life of this game considerably.

All in all, this is a good game for when you just want to race through levels mindlessly and watch cool cut-scenes, but you can expect this game to gather alot of dust, especially if you're not a Sonic fan. I personally hope the Nintendo DS version of Sonic will be alot better.

Thanks for listening, this is angeles, signing off for Gamer's Radio.

Enjoy!

Quin vs. Suncorp-Metway

2005-03-23T07:45:53Z

I recently read the product disclosure statements for my bank account with Suncorp-Metway, and it came to my attention that those who have a government benefit paid into their account were entitled to have the account keeping fee waived.

Government Benefits Waiver

Conditions:
Applies to customers whose government benefit will be paid into their Everyday Options account. Waiver applies to one only Everyday Options account (excluding Unlimited Suncorp Transaction Plan and accounts with cheque access).

To be eligible for this waiver you must present one of the following at a Suncorp branch: a current pensioner card, Commonwealth Government health card or a repatriation card (issued by Veteran's Affairs). Waiver only applies to one Everyday Options account per eligible persion. If two people are eligible, they can share two joint Everyday Options accounts with this waiver. An eligible customer is entitled to share a joint Everyday Options account with this waiver with an ineligible customer.

Fees waived:
Account keeping fee.

The above is directly from their "Lending Fees and Charges" which is apart of their product disclosure statement, and came into effect on September 30th 2003. As you can imagine, I was eager to look into this further. The account keeping fee may seem small, a mere AU$4.50, but this is a monthly charge, which quickly adds up over the years.

I called them, interested to see if I could get my money back, the customer service officer advised me I'd need to call back the next day, as the branches were shut, and I would have to speak to them directly to get the fees refunded, so I waited for a new morrow.

The next day, I called the bank again, I asked to talk to my branch, but ended up having to go through the same default crap again where the officer tried to fix it on their own, failing miserably, even though I knew what I had to do and had requested it to begin with. Finally, I was in contact with my local branch where I opened the account six years ago. The woman on the other end poked around my account and informed me that the Manager would have to deal with it, as it was out of her hands, I had them put the waiver into effect from that day onward and waited, and waited. After not getting a reply that day we finally went shopping, etc. That night, I stayed up to 3am reading legal documents and the likes to get a clue on what my rights were, as I always do when I'm on a quest. Knowledge is the most powerful substance one can hold.

It wasn't until 9am this morning I was awoken by my mother, the Manager had called me back. In her most authoritarian tone she informed me that she would only refund the amount charged since my last statement, which was issued in January, a meager AU$13.50. The reason given was that I should read the things sent to me, and they can only put such a thing into effect from the time when I ask for it, despite my ability to prove that it had been valid the entire time. I expressed my disappointment that they were being so unfair about something that could be proven beyond a doubt, it started to become more a matter of principle than the amount of money. Banks, as everyone should be well aware, are notorious for trying to get as much money as possible, but come on, I make very little money on government benefits, the amount of money is quite considerable to us on such a low income.

Steaming for a while, I did some other chores until I couldn't bear the insanity I was causing myself and those around me. I called Suncorp-Metway Customer Relations to lodge a complaint, the lady on the other end was very courteous and concise. She offered to talk to the branch on my behalf, and hoped to contact me by the end of the day, or the next morning at the very latest. This is where I was most impressed.

A mere few hours later, I was presented with the phone again, the woman I spoke to at Customer Relations informed me that they would now refund the entire amount accumulated since the clause was put into effect. Success! I was most pleased, but she sounded a bit put-off, she informed me that it wouldn't be directly credited to my account immediately, they will be sending me a letter in the snail-mail, aparrently stating the full refund amount, and that I have to sign something.

If it's a confidentiality agreement, I'll be already violating it right now, but I'm not interested in it if that's the case. More people should know that the banks are doing this to people everyday, and unless you read the extremely fine print obscured under the mess of jargon, you probably don't know that these fees can be waived for us extremely-low-income earners. It also shows that even when you do try to stand up for your rights, they'll try to push you around with what to them must seem like a compromise, when really it's just plain money-grubbing.

Cheers!

A little bit of history repeating...

2004-09-19T20:02:38Z

Since my stepfather, Richard, entered our lives, my quality of life had declined. My mother didn't pay attention to me anymore, her new family was occupying all of her time, and he wanted nothing to do with me. This stemmed into me being unsupervised on very frequent and lengthy occasions, at the age of 6 years old, which is when it all started.

This allowed three people throughout my life to sexually abuse me as a child, each lasting for a very long length of time, one of which lasted three whole years. No one was around to look out for me, and on many occasions, this happened in our very own home, while they were home. I am not embarassed to let people know these facts, I am very upset by them.

Throughout my childhood, I continued to be neglected and abused, the only times he would speak to me were nasty occasions where he would tell me off.

When I was 15, Mum was at church, Richard wasn't living with us at the time, but came over and took the kids out to eat, leaving me home alone. At the time I was living in a caravan down the back, but I was inside the house eating and watching TV. He came home and everyone sat around the TV, I got up to make a coffee, and when I got back my brother had taken my seat. When I asked him to move, he got up, but Richard, being a complete asshole toward me, demanded that he remain seated, my brother insisted that it was rightfully my seat and that he didn't mind moving, still, he insisted on making him sit there. I told him (and rightfully too) where to do, which erupted into a heated argument about how I never wanted to be apart of this family and I should get the fuck out, which was (when looking at it now) very amusing, because I tried everything to be included as part of the family, but was never accepted, leading me to be a recluse who locked himself away.

I went off down to my caravan, and only moments after turning the light on, it went back out. He had turned my power off. I was furious, he had the gaul to turn of my power in a house that I owned, when he didn't even live there, but I didn't have a leg to stand on, he was romancing mum again, which meant that once again I would be tossed aside. When she got home, I went up to talk to her, saying I wanted my power back on, her reply was that I should have a bit more respect toward Richard and that my power wasn't going to be turned back on until I apologise. My attempts to tell her what happened fell on deaf ears, Richard had obviously told her his bullshit story first.

The last straw of that era in my life was drawn, and it was the short straw. I got a knife and proceeded to demand my power back on. This terrified everyone but him, who was being a cool cucumber saying that the shit wasn't needed and turned my power back on. The next day the house was empty, they'd gone to his house, which wasn't surprising, I was deemed dangerous. When the phone rang, I answered it, it was mum. The only part of the conversation I remember is the most memorable. She didn't want me to live there anymore. I was officially kicked out of my own home several weeks before my 16th birthday.

A few years ago, mum had left Richard, and I lived with her until she got back together with him, and he sold his house, moving his mortgage over to mum and I's house, which resulted in me being tossed aside again. Many facts about this made me very angry.

And now for more recent times...

Gwen and I have been living with my family since March. The experience has been very trying for me. There was a glimmer of hope at one point where, for the first time ever, Richard was talking to me in a nice manner. How did this happen? He turned off the power one night because our TV was a little too loud for him to sleep, and I caused a ruckus over it. That however, ended well, the following events do not.

Richard is a light sleeper, and every noise we make wakes him up, aparrently. So, in a show of consideration and respect we did everything we could to limit the noise we generate, all that was asked in return, that the same be done for us. He disagreed with my choice of sleeping pattern, I prefer to be awake at night, and no matter what I do to change this, I always end up being the nightcrawler, it's just who I am.

A couple of months ago, I got a bit of work with AAP, an IT company in Australia which was doing a rollout of PC's under contract with the WESTPAC bank in Brisbane. This involved me working from early evening to early morning (which was a godsend to me), but also required me to get a good day's sleep. The noise during the day continued, I didn't manage to get proper sleep, I was consistently running late for the train to work (which was a 1hr 30min train ride to Brisbane) because I overslept (right through the alarm, being so tired).

One day I had had enough of it and did a bit of yelling (the time for talk and pleading had passed). The result was me not talking to either him or my mother, who of course was on his side, as she always is when together with him. This caused much discourse throughout the house, and the general atmosphere since has been a very unwelcome one.

Despite me avoiding them in an attempt to have no more conflict, a week ago Richard started his bullshit again. He was angry at his kids for one reason or another, he tends to go apeshit whenever he doesn't get his way. When I walked to the toilet, he was writing on my brother's door some shit about them being ungrateful shits, and, not being game enough to write on my door, wrote on the floor outside my door some shit about how I wished he would die (and come to think of it, pretty accurate).

Seeing as I was not even involved in the argument, I was fairly annoyed that he decided to drag me into it, but what annoyed me more was when he started bringing Gwen into the mix when she had nothing to do with the sorted history between he and I. The next day I wrote on HIS door all of what I thought of him, seeing as he was being childish.

When he gets home he started going off, big time, yelling, ranting, and raving. I locked the doors to the bedroom and hunkered down for the long haul. He started throwing shit at our door, bashing it every five minutes, making it very unpleasant to be around, whilst scaring this shit out of Gwen. I ignored it, there wasn't much I could do about it, but it had made me very, very, very angry...

Thursday Night, after watching a movie, I was hugging Gwen. The movie had made me reflect on my life. I started feeling very angry, and I was shaking.

The next thing I know I am on the floor of the lounge room, the police are asking me if I am okay. The police? I felt disoriented, tears were all over my face. I was told it was okay, and that the ambulance was on it's way and I sat there for a bit. Mum and Gwen were crying. The police asked if I could get up and go outside to get a bit of fresh air, I wanted a cigarette, Gwen got me one and we sat outside with the police. They asked me if I would like them to take me to the hospital instead of getting an ambulance. I didn't even know what was going on, after they asked a few times I managed to say "ok" and Gwen and I got in the patrol car. She wouldn't leave my side.

Once at the hospital, the police told me to go into the emergency department and that my mother was coming in her car. We went in, I needed to sit. I heard voices around me, then a wheelchair was pushed up in front of me, Gwen and a few other people put me in the chair, and I was put in a bed.

The doctor was very nice, she comforted me and gave me some tablets to settle down. I was in so much pain and didn't know why. My chest was hurting, my whole body ached. During the whole time I wasn't quite 'with it', I was told I had tried to kill Richard, but never caused hi any harm. Gwen told me that Mum and her had stood in front of me to stop it.

It had happened again, I'd lost it. They were getting a pschiatrist in, I was given a sleeping tablet. The doctor said she didn't want to admit me to the Mental Health Ward, but she would consult the psychiatrist first. The psychiatrist was very nice too, although I wasn't too helpful regarding her questions. She took me outside and gave me a smoke while I waited for Mum to pick me up, she said when Mum got here she wanted to talk to her, which she did, and I still don't know what they talked about.

I haven't spoken to Mum yet, I am still upset about her siding with Richard all the time, and to be honest, a little confused (and embarassed?) about what happened that night still. I have an appointment with the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow, I still don't know what is going to happen.

My life feels like a flaming lump of shit, Gwen is a handful and stresses me out to the max, and this situation at home isn't helping me any (obviously). Sometimes I wish I had the guts to take my own life, it hasn't really amounted to anything anyway, nor do I think it can, the world sucks, we think we have freedom, but we're all just sheep.

Baaaaa.

angeles @ 2004-04-28T23:36:00

2004-04-28T13:35:48Z

Why is my heart still beating?
Why is it there still sinking?

Finally got through to Gwen's parents. They said she was still at her brothers waiting to go up there. Called her brother, he hasn't heard from her for four days, when she called him from Ipswich.

She generally doesn't have any friends to go to if she has nowhere to stay, Ipswich being so far away makes it even more suspicious. I knew I didn't mean enough to her, the only explanation is that I was just another guy who did everything for her and looked after her, giving her the pleasures of a grown up while she still gets to be a kid.

Her finding someone else to do that for her is the only explanation. She rebounds while I am still her loving her, worrying about her, missing her. Maybe its this depressively explosive feeling that made her last guy attack me, she's like a drug you get addicted to but you know it's bad for you.

So why do I hurt so much inside? Why is this the first time in my life I have ever truly felt like giving up on it all? Surely there has been worse in my life. I still love her and there feels like there is only one way to get rid of that pain. So much for the miracle.

Deepest Sender to Dearest Diary

2004-04-28T10:57:35Z

Thank you David Murray for this amazing mozilla plugin for livejournal. The auto format is a little annoying though.

I need to let go.. Hurts in here.. Love me?

Stop analysing everything!

2004-04-28T09:01:36Z

Whenever we used to argue, I got her name mixed up. She probably had good reason to be jealous.

Moods that move from bad to worse...

2004-04-24T02:00:44Z

I needed weed. I feel so depressed I just want to escape for a while. Richard and Mum went into town without asking if I would like to go yesterday. I was upset, but I was more upset about other things that are happening in my life lately.

Richard woke me up this morning, working on the front yard right in front of my bedroom. Everyone wonders why I am upset at this. I had moved my sleeping habit from day to night again, to make it easier for everyone dealing with my late night noise. Richard mainly, he bitches about being easily woken up, and I can't go into the Kitchen at night because his room is right next to it. So basically if I am up at night, I am not allowed to eat or drink anything other than the water I can get from the tap outside my bedroom.

I was going off mega, not only does everyone assume I will look after the kids, but they assume I have no life and never want to go into town. I am almost stuck here because of the lack of public transport on the weekends, and I desperately need to get on.

So while I was going off this morning, Mum was going off at me for spreading negativity, totally oblivious to the fact that Richard is causing it, even though I made several attempts to make her realise that. So I just tol her to "Fuck off an leave me alone", so she's gone into town and not asked me again, knowing very well that I want to (even making a point to say something to my brother Brendan about it, that's just how malicious the act was). It is just going to get worse from here, because it was an intentional run in the face, when she was the one not listening to me.

I am not going to bother caring anymore, I will be awake whenever I want to be, eat when I want to eat, and anyone who has a problem with that can go get fucked. I only give respect to those who show it back.

angeles @ 2004-04-23T17:07:00

2004-04-23T07:28:36Z

I miss cuddles and snuggles and the love, sex just isn't the same by yourself without the cuddles after. Porn doesn't love you, it's lifeless and mostly sick twisted sluts reproduced by cold sex driven men. I need to snuggle up and have someone tell me they love me, to live with my soul shared with them, to be cared for and thought of.

It was the right thing to do though, even if it wasn't well executed... Gwen seems to be ok, her Centrelink details were updated. Thanks a fucking lot for telling me you're alright. Shows you don't really love me anyway. What a waste of 12 months, what a pile of shit sacrificing so much for you. I coulda just kept going the way I was and I would've been happy now.

My life sucks and I still keep trying to be the miracle. I'm still left alone at night, I still cuddle up to a plush puppy dog named Spike, I still don't know the true love of another.

It hurts inside me, I'm crying and no one is seeing it. I can't get any weed, people went into town and didn't tell me. Mum is now too drunk to take me anywhere. Yeah great, glad Richard got you liquored up so he can get you back into his good books. Once again cast aside, I am alone.

I need transport out of this place. I need to love and be loved. I need my life to be right again. I know who I am, I just need someone who'll accept that person for who they are and love him, I wanna get on with the next part of my life.

I could cry forever so I'll just let these songs do it for me;

Plumb - Boys Don't Cry
Plumb - God Shaped Hole
Plumb - Here With Me
John Rzeznik - Always Know Where You Are
John Rzeznik - I'm Still Here
Enrique Iglesias - Escape

angeles @ 2004-04-19T11:30:00

2004-04-19T01:32:27Z

<angeles> xmms: John Rzeznik - I'm Still Here
<angeles> and how can the world want me to change, they're the ones that stay the same
<angeles> and you see the things they never see, all you wanted i could be
<angeles> now you know me and im not afraid
<angeles> and i want to tell you who i am
<angeles> can you help me be a man
<angeles> they can't break me as long as i know who i am
* angeles sighs

ADSL Upgrade

2004-04-18T21:57:13Z

Aparrently, the scheduled upgrade of the 075497 (ELIMBAH) exchange in 2002 wasn't done, and now I can't get ADSL. I'm told that there isn't even another upgrade date isn't scheduled, so I may have to bug Telstra to find out what the hell is going on.

I was looking forward to permanent internet access too, but Mum is being kind enough to let me on the net when I want to go on, so long as I ask and allow her access to her phone when she wants it. Not a bad tradeoff I guess.

She's going to cover all my costs while I live here if I put all but ~AU$50 of my payment each fortnight on her credit card. So as well as paying off the loan I won't have to worry about paying for anything. I'm glad she actually wants me to have money for myself too, for transport and little luxuries I would like (like my PC mags!). It's gonna be weird going "Mum, can you buy me such and such a thing?" again, but at least I will be very well looked after for the year.

Once the loan's paid off I will still put the money in there, once I am ready to leave Mum has said she will cover the costs if I do it that way. All good, she's been bailing me out financially for years, not to mention this neat ass computer I got. Guess I did give her the equivelant of AU$55,000 when I told her should could have my half of this house, which seems to make her happy having the place for herself. As far as everything is concerned though it is all still mine, in case of a bad split up with Richard he won't be able to touch my half, so he will only get half of half (er, a quarter) of this place, hah!

So if Richard wants to use the phone, he better learn to ask me, because he's not gonna get much chance to use it without being nicer to me.

Moment of Truth

2004-04-18T21:17:49Z

Gwen took off to her brothers on Thursday, she said she was taking his keys back and that she would be back.

On Friday, she left a message on the phone saying she was at the train station, that she was coming and she loved me.

It is now Monday, and still no word from her. No one has heard from her. Not even her family as far as I can tell, though they wouldn't tell me even if they did know I think.

Mum says she's probably already found another man to latch on to. I know that's a very definate possiblity deep down, but I do wish she'd get it right so she can have a happy life, if she did that I would take her back.

Today is form day (which means we hand in our form to Centrelink so we get our benefits for the next fortnight), and her bank card is here along with her form. If she isn't here today, it is unlikely she will ever come back. Hard when someone you love treats you badly all the way to the end, no matter how much you've been trying.

So we're about to see how much she loves me I guess.

I may seem like a glutton for punishment, but today marks whether the saga ends or not, I can't hang on to it. She is a good person deep in there, and a good friend when she isn't being posessive, I miss her company, her embraces, and that needs to be nurtured, without me I fear she will lose her life to alcohol and sex again, and she was doing so well.

It has been 2 months since her last drink, I was really proud of her and what she would do to keep me, I hope that holds. I couldn't bear to see 12 months of work go down the drain.

The women who come in to my life need some form of help, one way or another, I try my best to teach the lessons they need to learn. I like think I have been at least partially successful up until now with that. It would break my heart to lose one to the depths of their own madness.

I should apologise to Louise too, I treated her badly in the end, and I guess I did the same thing to Gwen by breaking her heart and then being indifferent to her. I seem to do that to all the women, as much as I would prefer to be in their lives still, people have trouble accepting separation. I don't want to regret all this when I am old.

Most of all I need grounding at the moment, and I have no one to help me, my emotions are running out of control and I feel swirled up in the madness. *needs a big long loving hug*

I smell something afoot

2004-04-15T17:51:36Z

As a result of certain attempts against me I've decided the internet is not a good place for personal information. I think I've been warned, and have corrected my naievity quick smart. Have you done the same with those to who you chat?

Evil Step Parents from Hell

2004-04-15T10:44:10Z

My stepfather is such a cock sucker (Excuse the foul language).

He is always so super-fake-nice to my face. Then he belittles me behind my back to mum.

Mum is the one who got the phone put on (in her name), she is the one paying for it (and I am too now), and he didn't want it on. Yet when I use it for the net he complains, I do plan to get ADSL once I can save up the funds to do so.

My little brother picked up the phone at 8:15pm to talk to his friend, which disconnected me. So I went out to see if someone wanted to use the phone before I reconnected, which they did, so I sat out there until they were finished.

Mum was in the kitchen, I was sitting in the lounge room. Richard walks in there and starts whispering to mum, my hearing is exceptional so I heard every word. He was complaining about me using the home line to use the net, saying I shouldn't be online at this time of night (mum had said I was allowed to be on from 8pm till 7am) taking up the phone line. I just cracked.

"You know, if you need to use the phone you just have to ask, I am not an ogre. I do respect that it is the home phone line, and I do plan to fix the situation soon."

I said that in a friendly and even tone, so just for dramatic effect I slammed my bedroom door, just to let him know he ticked me off. Mum will have a go at him now I bet :)

I love manipulating people's minds without them knowing it. Best way to achieve the results you're after!

Crash courses in humanics

2004-04-15T03:25:28Z

Well, let's see...

Living in the house was a mega disaster. It's especially hard with someone who needs you as a parent more than as a partner. Even worse if they are too promiscuous and drinking.

Gwen started drinking more and more, her behaviour became more erratic, and soon she was so violent she started bashing me when she didn't get her way. She would start a fight and walk out, come home at like 3am drunk and exhausted, and would still have it in her to start on me, despite me being asleep or not. She expected me to trust her too. She won't even trust me, and I would never think of being unfaithful.

It became so bad that she started taking her money and blowing it all in one night drinking at some party. The rent and bills went mostly unpaid because I couldn't pay for them all as well as feed us. Then came the eviction notice, it was to be expected. I was determined not to ask Mum for her monetary help again, but unfortunately, debt consolidation agencies won't look at someone in my position, unemployed on benefits who is having extreme financial trouble. Funny, I would have thought that they were the ones who needed that kind of thing most. So, in the end, it came to Mum.

Good old Mum. If there was ever a mother who truly loved her family, my mother is that person. Depsite it all, the hardships it placed on her, having to overrule her husband so that I could stay there (if you don't know, my stepfather does not like me, and the feeling is more than reciprocated), having to uproot her house to accomodate me. I love my mother, and I want everyone to know that (there's another thing, Gwen gets jealous even of her, my own mother).

I attempted to take a small hiatus from Gwen, sending her up to her mother's while I lived here with mine, hoping the time apart would help her faults. I got a few days before she came to 'visit' and then she complicated the situation so that it was easier for her to live here rather than go home. Mum and I fell for it hook line and sinker, we're too compassionate. So she lives here.

Nothing had changed right from the moment I met her, she has been controlling, jealous, posessive, angry, and violent with me. It berates me, and my mind is not such a great place to be to begin with, so it all came to a head yesterday morning.

I got the net back the day before, as a substitute to help me give up weed (AU$25 a month is cheaper than AU$25 a day too). Gwen was upfront at least, she didn't want me talking to anyone on the net. I did try not to, but I was very unhappy about it, the best friends I have ever had are here on the net. I spent the entire night surfing the net, downloading, browsing, reading.

At about 5am a person I met here on LJ wanted to go into an instant message conversation (we were having a conversation via LJ which I must admit is very awkward), so I decided that it was silly not to be doing it and hopped on IRC and MSN despite Gwen's order of jealousy.

Before long, Idil started talking to me on IRC, which was making me feel alot happier until Gwen woke up.

Gwen: [ Hits my shoulder ] What are you doing? Me: Talking to people. [ Oh I know what gonna happen ] Gwen: Who? Me: Not that it is any of your business, but it is Idil. Gwen: Oh that slut. Me: [ That was the last straw, Idil is a good person ] How dare you say that, you don't even know her. You're just being a jealous bitch. Gwen: Yeah, well, she's trying to steal you away from me. Me: Bullshit Gwen, she's here trying to convince me to stick it out with you. Gwen: Yeah right, I saw what she wrote to you last time you were on the net. She was trying to get you back. Me: You can't even read, so how would you know? She has not once tried to split us apart. She is a true friend of mine, and respects my decision. Gwen: Yeah right, I'll go make you a cuppa? [ Storms out ]

All that is Gwen when she is holding back. It got worse later after I had disconnected.

I was tired, I had been up for three days straight, so it was about time I got a little sleep, but there were no smokes other than rollies. Gwen can roll, but not well, so she comes into the room and starts cursing cause I wouldn't roll her a cigarette. It was the last straw for me, she has no respect for me and I decided that this will never work.

In a fit of sleeplessness-zombie-rage I stormed out of the room to go sit out the front and calm down. The front security screen wouldn't open at first try, and I just lost it. I started bashing the shit out it, and I managed to make a mess out of a solid steel door, as well as my hands. I ran back to my room and curled into a ball and started crying.

Gwen: [ Sitting over me ] Give me a hug. Me: [ Continues crying ] I think I broke my hand. Gwen: Come on god damn it, give me a hug. Me: [ *Snap* ] I AM IN AGONY YOU HEARTLESS BITCH, I THINK I HAVE JUST BROKEN MY HAND! YOU EXPECT ME TO JUMP AT YOUR BECKON CALL. Gwen: [ Smacks me across the head ] Fucking calm down. Me: [ Sits back, calming for a second ] Get the fuck out of my room, get the fuck out of my life. I told you, you ever hit me again, it will be over. It is over. Gwen: [ Starts crying ] Fine, fuck you too. [ Storms out ]

I had tried to go to sleep at 2 pm, after 72 hours of not sleeping. I now needed to go to the hospital. Mum got home at 5pm, but I delayed it because I had to make sure I wasn't putting Mum out. I respect she needs to get her caffeine hit before a long haul. It was 6pm before I got to the hospital, they did an X-Ray and got me to sit in the waiting room. It was 10pm when I was finally seen. It was severely damaged, but not broken (hence why I can type, the main part I damaged was my right thumb, which I now notice hardly gets used when you're on the computer, I use my left hand for the spacebar by default, probably all those first person shooter games where I make space jump, and WASD movmement).

The long stay at the hospital afforded me a long talk with my mother, who up until this point had only heard Gwen's side of the story. Mum knew the entire story from Gwen, minus the parts where Gwen was causing it, Gwen made it out that I was just going off for no reason. I was calmer when I got home, and broke it off with Gwen a little more nicer. I still care for her, but we are totally incompatible. I had to admit that.

So, I started out a relationship because I was lonely. I jumped into it way too fast, polluted it with sex, and got in way over my head, became totally oblivious to the bad things she was doing because I was trying to make it work. I lost all my real life friends to her, and I let it all happen. It just goes to show how love blinds you.

For all of you out there, you do not need a lover to complete you, you need to find yourself, and be happy with yourself before you can love another. This is what I plan to start doing.

So ends my crash course in humanics. I sure hope everyone doesn't have to learn the hard way, though it would explain why the world is so corrupt, confused, and cold.

If you haven't already, get Winamp 5.03. Winamp 5 is awesome, and now they have a Queue built into the Jump-To-File dialog. Plus it fixed a MAJOR security flaw, exploited while you browse the net with winamp associated with midi's or modules. Get Winamp 5 Now! Good on ya Nullsoft, Winamp 3 didn't whip the llama's ass, it sucked it's balls, which is why I stuck with Winamp 2. Winamp 5 doesn't just whip the llama's ass, it splits it's ass in two! :D (And you can quote me on that!)

angeles @ 2004-04-14T11:08:00

2004-04-14T01:08:39Z

Don't you hate it when you know you've made a big mistake in your life but you've dug yourself too deep to get out of the hole and each time you're almost out you get dragged back in. Seeing what's outside this relationship again has made me realise how terrible I am being treated.

Fear of eternal lonliness is a human's great weakness.

Yeah I'm Alive

2004-04-05T05:00:02Z

Lotsa stuff happening, I think about you ALL.

Living with parents now, yip-de-doo. Least money is easier. Hopefully have a connection of my own in a few months, not that I'll get to use it much.

Hope you're well Idil, I do care. Thanks for the b/day sms I did get it. It brightened my day to know you don't hate me.

Keep cool everyone, I will be while I bail myself out of debt again (gee I am really not good with money).

Long Time Gone

2003-09-21T03:20:18Z

Okay, this one is for the record books. This may look long, but it could prove a rather interesting read to some.

So when did it all start? Well funnily enough, it all started the week of my birthday...

As some may know, I attempted to go to TAFE, which was a disaster. Even though I asked for a skills assessment, I didn't receive one, and ended up in the Certificate II - Information Technology (lahmens: computers for dummies), where I was more teaching the teacher than she was teaching me, which ended up with me teaching the class. I found that dreadful (they should've been paying me, not me paying them). Anyway, I went to the orientation day to begin with, after which I had some errands to run (namely, getting cigs). For some reason, instead of going directly to the tabacco shop, I had a strange urge to make a detour to the bank first, so I did. After taking out my money I wandered down to the tabbaconist where I ran into two old high school friends, Porky (Jason) and Josh. Seemed like moving back to Caboolture was already having it's perks (a social life for myself again).

Josh was a good friend in high school. He and I have endeavoured to stay in touch from time to time. From there, he started coming around all the time, and they both now smoked weed, so like the good little yandi addict I am, I started smoking it again with them. It made for some great times (yet alot less money, hence my not-so-untimely demise from the internet), which became a bit of a habit. Josh, who was still living with his parents, looked like he needed somewhere else to live, so I offered my other bedroom. Now this is when it all started.

One night, Josh and I are sitting back smoking lots of billies, when he heard a loud shreiking laugh coming from the unit opposite us (we later found out belonged to a woman named Angela whom everybody in Caboolture seemed to know except me), which he thought was one of his friends, Kelly. It turned out to be his sister Jakee, who had a massive crush on Josh. So she started coming around alot (as did alot of everyone's friends -- my unit had become a social hub in Caboolture for teenagers and adults alike) and hanging with us (which seems a little odd, but she is kinda a tom boy in my opinion), and eventually moved in, as she had been kicked out of home (and I'm a very kind person aren't I?).

This is where it got interesting on my behalf. One night, Jakee brought around her long-time best friend Gwen, a petite aboriginal/torres strait islander/euro half-cast, who got my immediate attention (though I didn't make it obvious -- I seem to have a soft spot for half-casts). Gwen was extremely quiet, as I often am. I first met her at Angela's place, she was sitting there on the couch, Jakee and Josh were talking with the array of people there, something I wasn't really accustomed to doing yet (still rather a shut in, and verily addicted to the internet still), so I sat on the opposite end of the couch to Gwen. The couch was placed against the kitchen bench which has a bit of extra bench space hanging out after the wall (heck, the place is like a mirror image of mine), which I bashed my head against as I slumped down into the couch. It hurt like hell, Gwen started laughing and checked to see if I was alright. That would be the only real interaction between us until later that night, as I said, she was quiet, quieter than me even when around strangers.

Later on we all came back to my place and spent the night talking and mucking around. Gwen was still as quiet as ever, so I continued talking with Jakee and Josh (though I felt like a third wheel, Jakee was after Josh, Josh had no interest in her then though, so I was more of a safety net for Josh I think), after a while Gwen wanted to keep herself occupied, and seemed to adore my long hair, so Jakee told her to play with it, I concurred. I love having my hair messed around with. She must've done it for hours, and I simply continued talking with the others, sitting between her legs. Afer a while she sorta brushed my face while she was running her hands through my hair, this sparked a moment of courage on my behalf, so I started rubbing her leg with the tip of my thumb, although out of view from the others (though I would later find out from Gwen that she was 'talking' to Jakee behind my back telling her what I was doing -- to which Jakee replied "Well do you like him? - Then go for it!"). I could feel an energy radiate from her that I could only explain as the spark that attracted me to her.

Once everyone had gone to bed, Gwen and I stayed up talking (finally) and then later on we made out. I fell asleep with her on the couch, but woke up early sweating because I wasn't used to sharing body heat with someone, after which I decided I was best going to my own bed and leaving her to sleep.

Now realise, back then I was still using Linux on Jester, running a commandline mp3 player which was extremely hard for computer newbies to use -- Intended that way because Jester had become a Jukebox for everyone who came to the house, and I disliked people messing with my precious little baby.

The next morning I awoke to Gwen sitting in front of the computer playing music. Now Gwen isn't exactly the most intellectual person on earth (perhaps quite far from it), which made this sight an even more surprising sight, she was sitting there, successfully playing all the music she liked, I had to say I was impressed. No previous Linux experience, and very minimal exposire to computers and she was able to work it out from what little I had taught her the night before.

Now later that day I would find out a bit more of Gwen's story. She was hiding from her ex-boyfriend, who I later found out was a psychotic dickhead totally obsessed with her, and unable to let her go. Even worse, she was living at her parents house with him, and her parents had no intention to kick him out (oh her family is weird -- more later). So I offered her a place to live too, heck we hit it off really well, and there was a big empty spot in my bed which was going to waste (Jakee usually slept on the couch, but the night before she bunked with Josh -- in a totally plutonic matter though).

Note that at this point in time I was sort of reconciling with Idil to a degree, which played on my mind quite a bit while all this was happening, to the point I was so filled with guilt I hid from her and the internet. I finally admitted to myself that the relationship between Idil and myself had be rocky at best to begin with, and on top of that she was half way around the world, and someone (who should probably remain nameless) kept warning me that a net romance wasn't going to work, especially with someone I had huge personality conflicts with, as well as my need to finally get a real life and the like (which some may be rather jealous of).

I let go and finally replied to Idil's constant sms' telling her that I had found someone. To a degree, I regret my lack of tact in the matter, but I did what needed to be done I suppose, even though it may have made me seem like a cruel bastard. So then I moved Gwen into my bed with me (yeah a real whirlwind romance huh), and it all went from there.

So now I had four people, including myself, living in this dingy little two bedroom unit, and boy did that make for some tight situations and major personality conflicts. My home continued to be a social hub, then another poor old soul happened apon my door step, Andrew, a fifteen year old kicked out of home whom I later nicknamed 'Mission boy', this was because he always called his outings "missions" and he would run errands (sorry, "missions") for us, and the nickname stuck like glue. So here we are, five people in a two bedroom flat, all sharing each others personal space, quite surprisingly there wasn't as much conflict as I would've thought. Mission boy and Jakee were fresh from being kicked out of home, jobless and unable to claim benefits (and Josh didn't contribute much from his minimal wage apprenticeship), were living with us, and Gwen and I were supporting them and ourselves with only $600 a fortnight to work with, but I am a man of good budgeting and I still bought my weed (at this point I was beginning to smoke rather excessively), but it did lead to the disconnection of the internet, and later the phone, due to unpaid bills.

The phone bill, which was >$320 had been hanging over my head since March, I only finally paid it off early this month, but not before a collection agency started hassling me.

Gwen's ex... god there's a tale. He found out where I lived, and then the death threats started. He hung around my place one day waiting for god knows what, but he found me on my way to Centrelink, and decided to give my head a good bashing. Too bad he was too drug fucked to have landed any decent punches, that and my stamina, strength, and coordination have greatly increased, both from having an active social life, and having someone who enjoys sex as much as me sharing my bed. After a while he seemed to have died off, but not before harassing the hell out of me and Gwen. He truly believed Gwen was his possession, and that I stole her from him (I didn't even know about him until the day after I met Gwen), I can see why she is so attached to me now, aparrently all her previous relationships had the same sort of problems (and in turn, assholes that want her as a prize, not a companion).

I would later drop out of TAFE, it seemed pointless being there, I would finish my work in a hundredth of the time everyone else did, after which I would be told to help teach the class seeing as I was so good. I didn't even have to attend half the lessons I was so far ahead. Then, due to a mishap with space restrictions (I was going to fast and the admins woudln't increase my quota), I was told to save all my work locally to that computer, instead of my network share, by this time I was leagues ahaead of the class, so there was alot of work saved on that system. I turned up to TAFE one day, and all the systems had been formatted, the teacher told me I would have to redo all my work. Now, I was only attending the course in the first place because my job network provider, Work Directions, had agreed to pay for it (or at least part of it), but they failed to respond to my requests to come through on their offer, and then later they closed their Caboolture branch, leaving me to foot the bill for the course. Fuck that, I'm already too good for this course, and you want me to pay for all this shit? Seeya! Even after leaving, they expect me to pay for the full length of the course (and they too now are getting a collection agency on to me -- be this a warning not to use TAFE, especially when coupled with a job network provider).

For all you non-aussies or non-centrelink people out there. Centrelink is our 'simplified' Social Security system, which was designed to be distributed across several areas, leaving Centrelink to do less work. Now Centrelink just controls our benefits and makes sure (rather agressively now) that you look for work (although many people find it easy to circumvent), they refer you to what they call a job network agency, which is a load of companies that collects jobs and gets paid to put benefit-recievers referred to them into a job. This has its downfalls, alot of jobs end up in the network now, and unless you receive benefits and have been referred to that specific agency, they won't look at you twice, this actually made it twice as hard to find a job in my case, as legally, I should've completed year twleve to even receive a benefit in the first place (and employers here are all looking for sixteen year old kids with experience in their specific area -- bit hard if you can't get benefits until you are 18 -- which is law now, I aparrently got my benefit merely months before that law was passed). So I aparrently owe TAFE >$250 for a six month course I only spent three or four weeks in at best.

So now money was getting extremely tight, it was getting hard to support all these people, so I put down my ultimatum, get a job or get out -- you have two weeks, though I did it a little more nicely than that, as I always do. Jakee went to someone else's place and Mission boy soon followed suit, though he bounced back and forth between here and a few places over the coming months.

Now for a bit more about Gwen's background. She is an alcoholic (though I guess I am a weedoholic), who can't hold her liquor, which made for some hassles, and later, a sad demise to a friendship. Her family is your stereotypical aboriginal family living in a western world. They abuse the Social Security system to bits, they're rude, selfish, and most of all, wasteful, Gwen shares these traits with them on some level, but has a softer heart, and since living with me, has become a little bit more caring of the world around her. She picked up on the computers quickly, though she has trouble reading, writing, and understanding words, her vocabulary and intelligence has increased more than five-hundred-fold due to the small fact that she has an excellent (more like perversely accurate) teacher, me :) As you can imagine, she is quite the opposite of me, intellectually, emotionally, and mentally. Yes, that does create alot of conflict, but I'm used to it I suppose, at least she can tolerate my weird mentality, I over-analyse things and create fights out of nothing (people call that my bitchiness or my 'rags'), but she seems to be able to handle it, unlike alot of people who know me.

Gwen's family, oh god, there's something to send me insane if there was ever something that could. They're the type of people who use anyone and everyone around them, including their own family members, this especially applies to her mother and step father. On many occasions they have borrowed money from me, and only paid me back a part of it, and conveniently forget about it. Even after reminding (be it two days, two weeks, or two months later), they tell me to be patient (even though their constant borrowing was leaving me broke). They waste their money and expect everyone else tied to the family to give them more, namely me, the white guy who can budget his money.

Sub-story: I parted with my Gameboy Advance (of which I spent over $900 dollars on in the last year), to Gwen's brother Dale, who agreed to pay $300 for it (more than fair deal in my opinion), after a few months passed, I guessed I wasn't going to get my money for it. By this time I was fed up with Gwen's family, so I put my foot down and barred him from entering my home until the Gameboy or $300 was in my hand. He gave the Gameboy to the parents to give to me as he was avoiding me (I was an asshole aparrently), the parents, instead of returning the Gameboy to me, pawned it for more money to line their pockets. Today I wrote a letter to them asking for either the Gameboy back, or the agreed $300 reimbursement, the reply I got was "I made no deal with him about the Gameboy". No deal? They didn't even ask me if they could pawn it! Bear in mind this Gameboy has countless number of games and accessories (what can I say, I am a console gamer/addict), some of which belonged to Josh and were meant to be returned to him.

I had bought an old peice of shit car from them (a VH Holden Commodore Wagon -- oh did I mention Gwen is a Holden freak, which has lead me to learn more about cars and how they work -- quite a good reciprocation of intellect) for $600 - which I had to borrow from Mum as they wouldn't let me pay it off in installments. A few weeks ago I became desperate to pay this bill off, so I decided to sell the thing, I had two offers of $500, but Gwen's parents came around begging me to sell it to them as their car had broken down at the price of $400, in weekly installments of $100. I said I wanted the whole lot upfront (which was fair enough, they expected the same of me, and I had a pile of bills I needed to pay - the reason I was selling the car in the first place. They wouldn't give up, they kept harassing me for it until they woke me up one day, and while half sleepy I pitied them and gave in, something I shouldn't have done. I got my first hundred, then the installments dropped from $100 a week to $100 a fortnight, then they tried to pull one on me and tried to drop it down to $50 a fortnight, despite the fact they knew the conditions under which I had to sell the car. I tell you now, these people are abusive assholes, and I will definately find it difficult having them as my inlaws, though I guess most people hate inlaws (though Gwen loves my Mum and my Mum adores Gwen.. hmm.. I suppose it is hard not to like my mother, eh Jack? :))

Okay, so we skip around here to a point where no-one but Gwen and I are living in this unit, Tjousk (which is all I am willing to call that ingrate now, the friend I had is dead to me, and I hope never to see him again -- you'll soon see why) turned up and somehow ended up moving in (despite my previous idea not to have anymore boarders, but it was him, and at the time I had a soft spot for him). All was well, the computers were humming with life once again, and Jester received some much needed love and upgrade, until a few weeks later...

We were all drinking and smoking one night (my previous attempts at getting Gwen to give up the booze, due to her extremely questionable behaviour whilst under the influence, had failed) and Gwen was invited to a party, something I'm not really into (but would have gone to if she had've asked me to come along), instead Tjousk went along. That night I lovingly waited up for Gwen, ready to give her some lovin' when she got home. 3am, I heard them come in the door giggling and laughing, I stayed in bed hoping Gwen would come in to at least check on me, if not come to bed. Gwen made some food and watched TV (where she fell asleep). I woke up in another one of my bad moods due to her massive neglect, and I would soon found out why. She was wearing a jet-black turtle-neck, and all over the front was a large amount of white stains. I said nothing. Tjousk was going on about how he couldn't remember the night before, and wasn't sure he wanted to which instantly told me something was up (I know Tjousk to be a liar, especially concerning his memory, and his over-exaggeration of his problems, but I had always let him think I fully believed his stories, cause I guess that's what friends do, be supportive no matter what). I did some investigation. I found out Gwen was drunk and was caught sitting on top of him on a bed behind a curtain (specifically placed there for party-goers to get it on) 'mucking around'. So then I spoke up to both of them, it was worse than I was told. On the way home, they stopped off at Centenary Lakes, where they fucked out there in public (bear in mind I am at home, awake, ready to give her that exact same thing... Lucky she didn't come to bed, I probably would've gotten angrier if she had sex with someone else, and then me, without telling me).

I wasn't stupid though, I worked it out, and I saw how Tjousk looked at her, he wanted some for himself. He took the drunken advantage he could (which he says he is subconciously trying to destroy himself, yeah right, after all the files I find on his computer all the time, I know you're a pervert -- and so am I to a smaller degree, but at least I warn people that I am -- coming across him playing with himself on camera, and some of his more questionable pornography is a sight to make you chuck -- oh and *\mIRC\logs\*.log was a good read, nice to know how much of a baskstabber he really was, especially concerning Vincent aka Z_evil1), and Gwen, well, she's doesn't think when she's drunk, maybe Tjousk doesn't either. Doesn't stop it from still hurting me. I'm still having nightmares. I suppose it doesn't help the fact that I tried to leave her, but in the end couldn't go through with it. Tjousk left none-the-less, which eased my concience a little.

Tjousk's left his puta here, along with an assortment of stuff (of which I talked about in my rushed entry at the library the other day, do you believe the library only lets you use the internet for fifteen minutes a day now unless you pay for it?), which he said he will be back to retrieve, but I am reluctant to even let him near me (so consider this a demand, not a request now Tjousk. Forget about your stuff and cut your losses, you got your 'prize' and I hope it was worth it, I formatted Cfa and am using Win2k on it right now, consider it a friendly disk cleanup, and I doubt you want my wrath upon you, I NEVER want to see you again, I may forgive, but how emotionally devestated I still am to this day because of you is too high a price for friendship), and it may lead to me not letting anyone else get that close to me again. Fuck, I can honestly say I loved, cared, and looked after that guy. What a reward, but then again I've decided on my own reward. So yes Tjousk, Cfa is gone, so you may as well disappear, or you could stop feeling sorry for yourself for once, if you don't, your sad miserable life will only end up as a suicide statistic, assuming you ever get the guts to do it.

Only now am I starting to connect with Gwen again, and we will marry one day, when she's a bit more mature and I am sure I can trust her (funny how there really is a difference between trust and love), but I still blow my stack every now and then when I think of that fateful night, she cops the full force of it too, which I think she deserves anyway. I am a firm believer in consequences for your actions. Normally I don't give cheaters a second chance. Heh, maybe it's all happened out of karma? I know Gwen's learnt a valuable lesson, and she is so scared of losing me. I am the best thing that has ever happened to her, and apparently the only guy that she has ever wanted to stay with.

On some final notes, Jakee finally did get Josh after more than six months of chasing him. People don't come around anymore after I put my foot down (my home went from a hang out to a massively abused place).

I could write alot more, there is a six month backlog, but I think I've bored everyone enough for now. Other than that, I will call it a night (heck it's been two and a half hours now, and it's dawning on 4am), Mum will be here at midday to take me to her place so I can play on the net for a while. I have a backlog of stuff to download!

Au-revoir for now (maybe my french isn't what it once was, huh?).

Moo

2003-09-19T00:00:59Z

So well, what's going on in my life lately?
Not a whole fucking lot.

After tjousk left (because he fucked my girlfriend -- seriously had higher expectations from someone so smart), I decided against letting people stay with me again. I only just got tyhe phone bill paid off (which means I may have net access soon, but I won't be online alot anymore, I have a life).

As for me, I am mainly playing with putas.

I think I want to keep cfa, so if you're reading this tjousk, maybe you would consider it payment for the undue stress you caused me, alongside the $800 you've borrowed over the years. And no, I didn't get your letter, and I am not sure I want one anymore. I really can't face you ever again after what you did.

Idil, I am seriously sorry for the pain I caused you, after I met Gwen, I knew there was something about her that would keep pulling me toward her. I tried to do the right thing and tell you when it happened, I am seriously sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Time's Up gtg.