| Information Overload |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|11:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Stephen Malcolm - Sonic Crackers DirtyBeta OC ReMix | ] |
I have to watch myself when I go look at a WikiPedia article. Most of the time I go look at an article, then the active barrage of clickable hyperlinks signifying more information about that particular subject get clicked until I have a insane number of articles open. Once I realise what I am doing I rarely close the articles I have open until I've read them, but I do try to refrain from opening more unless I really need to know what something means.
Did you know? It seems Gondwana was not the first supercontinent (and was not made up of all the existing continents either), but resulted from the split of another supercontinent Pangaea (the only other supercontinent at that time was Laurasia). So, many people (including myself until now), have incorrect beliefs about our Earth's geological/tectonic movements.
You learn something new every day. In today's case, I think I learnt a hundred new things. Damn you Wiki. |
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| Pretty Colours! |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|08:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
I saw this image among the LJ image crawlers, I thought it was rather interesting. I have no trouble at all saying it without saying the actual colour of the word. I guess I use the left side of my brain the most.
Excuse me, which side of the brain am I currently in? |
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| Disappointment in the Ranks |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|12:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
I've used (and recommended) WinAMP for a long, long, long, long, long.. *ahem* (you get the idea), time. Of late, my partner and I have become very disapplointed with the once-faithful media player.
Over the last two years or so, WinAMP has gone under heavy structural redesign (as you can see in the new v5 'Modern' interface) and alot of changes and additions under the hood. The bane of our existance here is the (long-awaited-by-us) Enqueue features of Jump to File Extra, which is bundled along with WinAMP these days.
In a nutshell, we use it to add files to a tiny playlist queue (or as I do sometimes, load a "Here's one I created earlier" one) and then set WinAMP on it's merry way while we groove and do other shit.
Now, the problem stems from all these so-called features that are getting added to WinAMP these days. Some of the bugs we've encountered (and don't seem to be getting fixed, with support requests on the forums being drowned out by sheer volume);
- Keys not responding unless the playlist window is active, ZXCVB (Prev, Play, Pause, Stop, Next).
- Jump To File skins when it isn't supposed to, and when you do turn it on, it skins thin air unless you open it from the active playlist window (and still leaving the dialog unchanged).
- Auto Video Fullscreen and various other endorsed plugins DO NOT WORK CORRECTLY, attempting to fullscreen often results in it resizing the video window instead (and it's turned off) and the screen corrupting.
- And other annoyances too numerous to mention...
Jump to File Extra Skins Thin Air
After 6 years of using this program, I'm at a point where I am so fed up that I'm looking at moving to another media player for our entertainment needs. Any suggestions are welcome, but bear in mind that I am looking for a FREEWARE program. If all else fails, I'm going to write my own.
That's my rant for today, anyway. |
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| #1 Reason "I Hate Firefox" |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|02:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Using Flash in FireFox produces a runaway loop that won't go away (even after you close the offending page), and won't let you close the program without forcibly killing it.
I have a few other reasons, FF is just way too buggy for my liking. The only reason I use it is for CSS and tabbed browsing. I sure hope they fix web standards in IE soon, I hate having to install extra programs after reinstalling my operating system. *Figures there's no good browser out there at all* |
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| Juped Development Network: Updates, News, and Information |
[Oct. 2nd, 2005|11:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
It's been a big few weeks in xrcd development, many things have been added, and we've all endured longstanding splits and downtime due to the instability. All this is in an effort to get xrcd's code 'up to scratch', as there have been many open issues for a long time now which needed addressing before xrcd could progress any further.
Server links should stabilise a bit more now, synchronisation routines have been evaluated, and a lot less killing should need to be done to correct mistakes. Parts of the protocol have been modified to minimize data transfers, for example; Servers will no longer reference each other by fully qualified host name, rather only their aliases will be transported around. This eliminated alot of redundancy in the protocol, and reduced data transfers considerably.
NOTE: Aliases also spill over into the user space, and in many commands, servers should be referenced by their alias from now on.
Alot of problems in the connection I/O has been addressed with the introduction of buffering, while this is only preliminary, and not a totally guaranteed fix, it has made connections more reliable. If you experience missing messages, or messages that seem out of order, print as much raw data between yourself and the server regarding the command you issued to generate the error, as well as some parts before and after to aid debugging, and send it to xrcd@juped-dev.org.
Code in xrcd has gone under heavy reconstruction to follow specific guidelines that were required to ensure the code was easily manageable, as well as run optimally. Hopefully this should make the xrcd experience not only faster, but more reliable in future. I'm also happy to announce that BSD support has been added and tested under FreeBSD, it might be nice to try some other UNIX flavours in future. Windows support is theoretically possible, but one of the new libraries xrcd depends on, mhash (a high end hashing algorithm library), requires a Windows dll to be built. Anyone with experience converting CygWin code to DevCPP, is willing to make a DevCPP *.devpak, or is able to compile both mhash and xrcd under cygwin is welcome to email me personally to discuss it further.
Anonymous access was briefly enabled to the SVN repositories here at chaoscontrol.mine.nu, but after re-evaluation this has been disabled. Security concerns have required me to segregate code between xrcd 'release' and xrcd 'devnet'. Releases will most likely be made available on Source forge in the future, once xrcd reaches beta. On the plus side of SVN, automatic updates appear to work under both Linux and BSD now.
In the last week, with the enabling of BSD support, we have introduced hostcore.us, kindly donated by stefan. It's actually become one of the more reliable xrcd servers. Perhaps because BSD is more resistant to coding errors. It has been added to the irc.* and us.* pools, so beware, Australian users should now use au.* to ensure an Australian connection. More servers are welcome in all regions.
Alot of the restructuring has also been involved in the connections, more logical handling of different protocols has been added. This was started by an interest in adding TetriNET support. Currently, xrcd supports connecting to the TetriNET port and logging in, but no game play or channels as yet. Currently this is only enabled on knuckles.au but if people are interested in checking it out I can enable it on the other servers.
Games like TetriNET are an invaluable community relaxation tool, not only in chat worlds, but in development worlds where you just want to chill out. xrcd's main aim is to be your all-in-one chat network tool, but it's able to provide so much more than what anyone originally thought, even myself. All in all, xrcd is still very unstable, but it's getting to a point where it may not be so much longer. I pray for that damn day, I've been going non-stop all week. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|01:49 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sore | ] |
Saw a peacock in the yard this morning, no idea where it came from or where it went later, but it was an amazing site to see so early in the day.
I've been programming alot on XRCD and setting up The Juped Development Network with it. The going is hard as not many people are willing to donate their time to it. Maybe they jsut think it'll be another flop not worth wasting any effort on. They may be right, they will be right if I don't get any help though, my brain's starting to fizzle.
Programmatically, XRCD is still quite a nightmare. Every single line of code in it I've had to research and craft myself. There's still so much to be fixed and more yet to be implemented to make it a fully viable IRCd alternative. It's been a dream of mine for 6 years, since I started tinkering on IRCd while teaching myself how to program. I'm fairly competant now, but alot of the more technical stuff can be very cumbersome for me. I spread myself very thin, getting bits of knowledge about everything (everything about everything won't fit in there goddamit).
The Juped Development Network seems to be moving at a snails pace of interest, I probably should've invested it all the first try (xrcd.info), but XRCD wasn't mature enough, I was more trying to get testers and suggestions then. Geez, this was a year ago when I first started it.
I feel if I hadn't given up weed for a while I would've gotten further on XRCD than I am at the moment. Server linking is still very questionable, as are the databases. Alot of decisions I've made have worked out in my best interest, code-wise, it's the stuff I hadn't planned on that creates the most difficulty.
Need a website for the root of juped-dev.org, talked it over with Sam last night and I wanna look for a CMS (Content Management System for the tech-hype impaired), any suggestions from LJ-land would be appreciated.
As far as non-negative entries go, thats the best I can come up with. I've avoided talking about anything bad going on at the moment. I really suck, don't I? Heh. |
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| Quin vs. Suncorp-Metway |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|05:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
I recently read the product disclosure statements for my bank account with Suncorp-Metway, and it came to my attention that those who have a government benefit paid into their account were entitled to have the account keeping fee waived.
Government Benefits Waiver
Conditions:
Applies to customers whose government benefit will be paid into their Everyday Options account. Waiver applies to one only Everyday Options account (excluding Unlimited Suncorp Transaction Plan and accounts with cheque access).
To be eligible for this waiver you must present one of the following at a Suncorp branch: a current pensioner card, Commonwealth Government health card or a repatriation card (issued by Veteran's Affairs). Waiver only applies to one Everyday Options account per eligible persion. If two people are eligible, they can share two joint Everyday Options accounts with this waiver. An eligible customer is entitled to share a joint Everyday Options account with this waiver with an ineligible customer.
Fees waived:
Account keeping fee.
The above is directly from their "Lending Fees and Charges" which is apart of their product disclosure statement, and came into effect on September 30th 2003. As you can imagine, I was eager to look into this further. The account keeping fee may seem small, a mere AU$4.50, but this is a monthly charge, which quickly adds up over the years.
I called them, interested to see if I could get my money back, the customer service officer advised me I'd need to call back the next day, as the branches were shut, and I would have to speak to them directly to get the fees refunded, so I waited for a new morrow.
The next day, I called the bank again, I asked to talk to my branch, but ended up having to go through the same default crap again where the officer tried to fix it on their own, failing miserably, even though I knew what I had to do and had requested it to begin with. Finally, I was in contact with my local branch where I opened the account six years ago. The woman on the other end poked around my account and informed me that the Manager would have to deal with it, as it was out of her hands, I had them put the waiver into effect from that day onward and waited, and waited. After not getting a reply that day we finally went shopping, etc. That night, I stayed up to 3am reading legal documents and the likes to get a clue on what my rights were, as I always do when I'm on a quest. Knowledge is the most powerful substance one can hold.
It wasn't until 9am this morning I was awoken by my mother, the Manager had called me back. In her most authoritarian tone she informed me that she would only refund the amount charged since my last statement, which was issued in January, a meager AU$13.50. The reason given was that I should read the things sent to me, and they can only put such a thing into effect from the time when I ask for it, despite my ability to prove that it had been valid the entire time. I expressed my disappointment that they were being so unfair about something that could be proven beyond a doubt, it started to become more a matter of principle than the amount of money. Banks, as everyone should be well aware, are notorious for trying to get as much money as possible, but come on, I make very little money on government benefits, the amount of money is quite considerable to us on such a low income.
Steaming for a while, I did some other chores until I couldn't bear the insanity I was causing myself and those around me. I called Suncorp-Metway Customer Relations to lodge a complaint, the lady on the other end was very courteous and concise. She offered to talk to the branch on my behalf, and hoped to contact me by the end of the day, or the next morning at the very latest. This is where I was most impressed.
A mere few hours later, I was presented with the phone again, the woman I spoke to at Customer Relations informed me that they would now refund the entire amount accumulated since the clause was put into effect. Success! I was most pleased, but she sounded a bit put-off, she informed me that it wouldn't be directly credited to my account immediately, they will be sending me a letter in the snail-mail, aparrently stating the full refund amount, and that I have to sign something.
If it's a confidentiality agreement, I'll be already violating it right now, but I'm not interested in it if that's the case. More people should know that the banks are doing this to people everyday, and unless you read the extremely fine print obscured under the mess of jargon, you probably don't know that these fees can be waived for us extremely-low-income earners. It also shows that even when you do try to stand up for your rights, they'll try to push you around with what to them must seem like a compromise, when really it's just plain money-grubbing.
Cheers! |
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| A little bit of history repeating... |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|04:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Since my stepfather, Richard, entered our lives, my quality of life had declined. My mother didn't pay attention to me anymore, her new family was occupying all of her time, and he wanted nothing to do with me. This stemmed into me being unsupervised on very frequent and lengthy occasions, at the age of 6 years old, which is when it all started.
This allowed three people throughout my life to sexually abuse me as a child, each lasting for a very long length of time, one of which lasted three whole years. No one was around to look out for me, and on many occasions, this happened in our very own home, while they were home. I am not embarassed to let people know these facts, I am very upset by them.
Throughout my childhood, I continued to be neglected and abused, the only times he would speak to me were nasty occasions where he would tell me off.
When I was 15, Mum was at church, Richard wasn't living with us at the time, but came over and took the kids out to eat, leaving me home alone. At the time I was living in a caravan down the back, but I was inside the house eating and watching TV. He came home and everyone sat around the TV, I got up to make a coffee, and when I got back my brother had taken my seat. When I asked him to move, he got up, but Richard, being a complete asshole toward me, demanded that he remain seated, my brother insisted that it was rightfully my seat and that he didn't mind moving, still, he insisted on making him sit there. I told him (and rightfully too) where to do, which erupted into a heated argument about how I never wanted to be apart of this family and I should get the fuck out, which was (when looking at it now) very amusing, because I tried everything to be included as part of the family, but was never accepted, leading me to be a recluse who locked himself away.
I went off down to my caravan, and only moments after turning the light on, it went back out. He had turned my power off. I was furious, he had the gaul to turn of my power in a house that I owned, when he didn't even live there, but I didn't have a leg to stand on, he was romancing mum again, which meant that once again I would be tossed aside. When she got home, I went up to talk to her, saying I wanted my power back on, her reply was that I should have a bit more respect toward Richard and that my power wasn't going to be turned back on until I apologise. My attempts to tell her what happened fell on deaf ears, Richard had obviously told her his bullshit story first.
The last straw of that era in my life was drawn, and it was the short straw. I got a knife and proceeded to demand my power back on. This terrified everyone but him, who was being a cool cucumber saying that the shit wasn't needed and turned my power back on. The next day the house was empty, they'd gone to his house, which wasn't surprising, I was deemed dangerous. When the phone rang, I answered it, it was mum. The only part of the conversation I remember is the most memorable. She didn't want me to live there anymore. I was officially kicked out of my own home several weeks before my 16th birthday.
A few years ago, mum had left Richard, and I lived with her until she got back together with him, and he sold his house, moving his mortgage over to mum and I's house, which resulted in me being tossed aside again. Many facts about this made me very angry.
And now for more recent times...
Gwen and I have been living with my family since March. The experience has been very trying for me. There was a glimmer of hope at one point where, for the first time ever, Richard was talking to me in a nice manner. How did this happen? He turned off the power one night because our TV was a little too loud for him to sleep, and I caused a ruckus over it. That however, ended well, the following events do not.
Richard is a light sleeper, and every noise we make wakes him up, aparrently. So, in a show of consideration and respect we did everything we could to limit the noise we generate, all that was asked in return, that the same be done for us. He disagreed with my choice of sleeping pattern, I prefer to be awake at night, and no matter what I do to change this, I always end up being the nightcrawler, it's just who I am.
A couple of months ago, I got a bit of work with AAP, an IT company in Australia which was doing a rollout of PC's under contract with the WESTPAC bank in Brisbane. This involved me working from early evening to early morning (which was a godsend to me), but also required me to get a good day's sleep. The noise during the day continued, I didn't manage to get proper sleep, I was consistently running late for the train to work (which was a 1hr 30min train ride to Brisbane) because I overslept (right through the alarm, being so tired).
One day I had had enough of it and did a bit of yelling (the time for talk and pleading had passed). The result was me not talking to either him or my mother, who of course was on his side, as she always is when together with him. This caused much discourse throughout the house, and the general atmosphere since has been a very unwelcome one.
Despite me avoiding them in an attempt to have no more conflict, a week ago Richard started his bullshit again. He was angry at his kids for one reason or another, he tends to go apeshit whenever he doesn't get his way. When I walked to the toilet, he was writing on my brother's door some shit about them being ungrateful shits, and, not being game enough to write on my door, wrote on the floor outside my door some shit about how I wished he would die (and come to think of it, pretty accurate).
Seeing as I was not even involved in the argument, I was fairly annoyed that he decided to drag me into it, but what annoyed me more was when he started bringing Gwen into the mix when she had nothing to do with the sorted history between he and I. The next day I wrote on HIS door all of what I thought of him, seeing as he was being childish.
When he gets home he started going off, big time, yelling, ranting, and raving. I locked the doors to the bedroom and hunkered down for the long haul. He started throwing shit at our door, bashing it every five minutes, making it very unpleasant to be around, whilst scaring this shit out of Gwen. I ignored it, there wasn't much I could do about it, but it had made me very, very, very angry...
Thursday Night, after watching a movie, I was hugging Gwen. The movie had made me reflect on my life. I started feeling very angry, and I was shaking.
The next thing I know I am on the floor of the lounge room, the police are asking me if I am okay. The police? I felt disoriented, tears were all over my face. I was told it was okay, and that the ambulance was on it's way and I sat there for a bit. Mum and Gwen were crying. The police asked if I could get up and go outside to get a bit of fresh air, I wanted a cigarette, Gwen got me one and we sat outside with the police. They asked me if I would like them to take me to the hospital instead of getting an ambulance. I didn't even know what was going on, after they asked a few times I managed to say "ok" and Gwen and I got in the patrol car. She wouldn't leave my side.
Once at the hospital, the police told me to go into the emergency department and that my mother was coming in her car. We went in, I needed to sit. I heard voices around me, then a wheelchair was pushed up in front of me, Gwen and a few other people put me in the chair, and I was put in a bed.
The doctor was very nice, she comforted me and gave me some tablets to settle down. I was in so much pain and didn't know why. My chest was hurting, my whole body ached. During the whole time I wasn't quite 'with it', I was told I had tried to kill Richard, but never caused hi any harm. Gwen told me that Mum and her had stood in front of me to stop it.
It had happened again, I'd lost it. They were getting a pschiatrist in, I was given a sleeping tablet. The doctor said she didn't want to admit me to the Mental Health Ward, but she would consult the psychiatrist first. The psychiatrist was very nice too, although I wasn't too helpful regarding her questions. She took me outside and gave me a smoke while I waited for Mum to pick me up, she said when Mum got here she wanted to talk to her, which she did, and I still don't know what they talked about.
I haven't spoken to Mum yet, I am still upset about her siding with Richard all the time, and to be honest, a little confused (and embarassed?) about what happened that night still. I have an appointment with the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow, I still don't know what is going to happen.
My life feels like a flaming lump of shit, Gwen is a handful and stresses me out to the max, and this situation at home isn't helping me any (obviously). Sometimes I wish I had the guts to take my own life, it hasn't really amounted to anything anyway, nor do I think it can, the world sucks, we think we have freedom, but we're all just sheep.
Baaaaa. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|11:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Why is my heart still beating?
Why is it there still sinking?
Finally got through to Gwen's parents. They said she was still at her brothers waiting to go up there. Called her brother, he hasn't heard from her for four days, when she called him from Ipswich.
She generally doesn't have any friends to go to if she has nowhere to stay, Ipswich being so far away makes it even more suspicious. I knew I didn't mean enough to her, the only explanation is that I was just another guy who did everything for her and looked after her, giving her the pleasures of a grown up while she still gets to be a kid.
Her finding someone else to do that for her is the only explanation. She rebounds while I am still her loving her, worrying about her, missing her. Maybe its this depressively explosive feeling that made her last guy attack me, she's like a drug you get addicted to but you know it's bad for you.
So why do I hurt so much inside? Why is this the first time in my life I have ever truly felt like giving up on it all? Surely there has been worse in my life. I still love her and there feels like there is only one way to get rid of that pain. So much for the miracle. |
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| Stop analysing everything! |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|06:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
Whenever we used to argue, I got her name mixed up. She probably had good reason to be jealous. |
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| Moods that move from bad to worse... |
[Apr. 24th, 2004|11:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | enraged | ] |
I needed weed. I feel so depressed I just want to escape for a while. Richard and Mum went into town without asking if I would like to go yesterday. I was upset, but I was more upset about other things that are happening in my life lately.
Richard woke me up this morning, working on the front yard right in front of my bedroom. Everyone wonders why I am upset at this. I had moved my sleeping habit from day to night again, to make it easier for everyone dealing with my late night noise. Richard mainly, he bitches about being easily woken up, and I can't go into the Kitchen at night because his room is right next to it. So basically if I am up at night, I am not allowed to eat or drink anything other than the water I can get from the tap outside my bedroom.
I was going off mega, not only does everyone assume I will look after the kids, but they assume I have no life and never want to go into town. I am almost stuck here because of the lack of public transport on the weekends, and I desperately need to get on.
So while I was going off this morning, Mum was going off at me for spreading negativity, totally oblivious to the fact that Richard is causing it, even though I made several attempts to make her realise that. So I just tol her to "Fuck off an leave me alone", so she's gone into town and not asked me again, knowing very well that I want to (even making a point to say something to my brother Brendan about it, that's just how malicious the act was). It is just going to get worse from here, because it was an intentional run in the face, when she was the one not listening to me.
I am not going to bother caring anymore, I will be awake whenever I want to be, eat when I want to eat, and anyone who has a problem with that can go get fucked. I only give respect to those who show it back. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2004|05:07 pm] |
I miss cuddles and snuggles and the love, sex just isn't the same by yourself without the cuddles after. Porn doesn't love you, it's lifeless and mostly sick twisted sluts reproduced by cold sex driven men. I need to snuggle up and have someone tell me they love me, to live with my soul shared with them, to be cared for and thought of.
It was the right thing to do though, even if it wasn't well executed... Gwen seems to be ok, her Centrelink details were updated. Thanks a fucking lot for telling me you're alright. Shows you don't really love me anyway. What a waste of 12 months, what a pile of shit sacrificing so much for you. I coulda just kept going the way I was and I would've been happy now.
My life sucks and I still keep trying to be the miracle. I'm still left alone at night, I still cuddle up to a plush puppy dog named Spike, I still don't know the true love of another.
It hurts inside me, I'm crying and no one is seeing it. I can't get any weed, people went into town and didn't tell me. Mum is now too drunk to take me anywhere. Yeah great, glad Richard got you liquored up so he can get you back into his good books. Once again cast aside, I am alone.
I need transport out of this place. I need to love and be loved. I need my life to be right again. I know who I am, I just need someone who'll accept that person for who they are and love him, I wanna get on with the next part of my life.
I could cry forever so I'll just let these songs do it for me;
Plumb - Boys Don't Cry
Plumb - God Shaped Hole
Plumb - Here With Me
John Rzeznik - Always Know Where You Are
John Rzeznik - I'm Still Here
Enrique Iglesias - Escape |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|11:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | John Rzeznik - I'm Still Here | ] |
<angeles> xmms: John Rzeznik - I'm Still Here
<angeles> and how can the world want me to change, they're the ones that stay the same
<angeles> and you see the things they never see, all you wanted i could be
<angeles> now you know me and im not afraid
<angeles> and i want to tell you who i am
<angeles> can you help me be a man
<angeles> they can't break me as long as i know who i am
* angeles sighs |
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| ADSL Upgrade |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|07:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | busting to pee | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tankeo - Transmed | ] |
Aparrently, the scheduled upgrade of the 075497 (ELIMBAH) exchange in 2002 wasn't done, and now I can't get ADSL. I'm told that there isn't even another upgrade date isn't scheduled, so I may have to bug Telstra to find out what the hell is going on.
I was looking forward to permanent internet access too, but Mum is being kind enough to let me on the net when I want to go on, so long as I ask and allow her access to her phone when she wants it. Not a bad tradeoff I guess.
She's going to cover all my costs while I live here if I put all but ~AU$50 of my payment each fortnight on her credit card. So as well as paying off the loan I won't have to worry about paying for anything. I'm glad she actually wants me to have money for myself too, for transport and little luxuries I would like (like my PC mags!). It's gonna be weird going "Mum, can you buy me such and such a thing?" again, but at least I will be very well looked after for the year.
Once the loan's paid off I will still put the money in there, once I am ready to leave Mum has said she will cover the costs if I do it that way. All good, she's been bailing me out financially for years, not to mention this neat ass computer I got. Guess I did give her the equivelant of AU$55,000 when I told her should could have my half of this house, which seems to make her happy having the place for herself. As far as everything is concerned though it is all still mine, in case of a bad split up with Richard he won't be able to touch my half, so he will only get half of half (er, a quarter) of this place, hah!
So if Richard wants to use the phone, he better learn to ask me, because he's not gonna get much chance to use it without being nicer to me. |
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| Moment of Truth |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|07:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | [I guess I should get a Client for LJ] | ] |
Gwen took off to her brothers on Thursday, she said she was taking his keys back and that she would be back.
On Friday, she left a message on the phone saying she was at the train station, that she was coming and she loved me.
It is now Monday, and still no word from her. No one has heard from her. Not even her family as far as I can tell, though they wouldn't tell me even if they did know I think.
Mum says she's probably already found another man to latch on to. I know that's a very definate possiblity deep down, but I do wish she'd get it right so she can have a happy life, if she did that I would take her back.
Today is form day (which means we hand in our form to Centrelink so we get our benefits for the next fortnight), and her bank card is here along with her form. If she isn't here today, it is unlikely she will ever come back. Hard when someone you love treats you badly all the way to the end, no matter how much you've been trying.
So we're about to see how much she loves me I guess.
I may seem like a glutton for punishment, but today marks whether the saga ends or not, I can't hang on to it. She is a good person deep in there, and a good friend when she isn't being posessive, I miss her company, her embraces, and that needs to be nurtured, without me I fear she will lose her life to alcohol and sex again, and she was doing so well.
It has been 2 months since her last drink, I was really proud of her and what she would do to keep me, I hope that holds. I couldn't bear to see 12 months of work go down the drain.
The women who come in to my life need some form of help, one way or another, I try my best to teach the lessons they need to learn. I like think I have been at least partially successful up until now with that. It would break my heart to lose one to the depths of their own madness.
I should apologise to Louise too, I treated her badly in the end, and I guess I did the same thing to Gwen by breaking her heart and then being indifferent to her. I seem to do that to all the women, as much as I would prefer to be in their lives still, people have trouble accepting separation. I don't want to regret all this when I am old.
Most of all I need grounding at the moment, and I have no one to help me, my emotions are running out of control and I feel swirled up in the madness. *needs a big long loving hug* |
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| I smell something afoot |
[Apr. 16th, 2004|03:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
As a result of certain attempts against me I've decided the internet is not a good place for personal information. I think I've been warned, and have corrected my naievity quick smart. Have you done the same with those to who you chat? |
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| Evil Step Parents from Hell |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|08:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gone in 60 Seconds (Soundtrack) - 11 - DMX - Party Up | ] |
My stepfather is such a cock sucker (Excuse the foul language).
He is always so super-fake-nice to my face. Then he belittles me behind my back to mum.
Mum is the one who got the phone put on (in her name), she is the one paying for it (and I am too now), and he didn't want it on. Yet when I use it for the net he complains, I do plan to get ADSL once I can save up the funds to do so.
My little brother picked up the phone at 8:15pm to talk to his friend, which disconnected me. So I went out to see if someone wanted to use the phone before I reconnected, which they did, so I sat out there until they were finished.
Mum was in the kitchen, I was sitting in the lounge room. Richard walks in there and starts whispering to mum, my hearing is exceptional so I heard every word. He was complaining about me using the home line to use the net, saying I shouldn't be online at this time of night (mum had said I was allowed to be on from 8pm till 7am) taking up the phone line. I just cracked.
"You know, if you need to use the phone you just have to ask, I am not an ogre. I do respect that it is the home phone line, and I do plan to fix the situation soon."
I said that in a friendly and even tone, so just for dramatic effect I slammed my bedroom door, just to let him know he ticked me off. Mum will have a go at him now I bet :)
I love manipulating people's minds without them knowing it. Best way to achieve the results you're after! |
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